The Headlines.

2026-06-19 FACT

The algorithm knows your emotional state better than you do.

2026-06-18 WEATHER

Aggressively adequate. Neither good nor bad nor interesting.

2026-06-17 BIRDS

Seagulls demand recognition as legitimate chip shop customers.

2026-06-16 FACT

The correct amount of duct tape is always slightly more than you currently have.

2026-06-15 TODAY'S FEAR

Accidentally liking someone's toot from 2021.

2026-06-14 MILESTONE

Parodical news website reaches fifty thousand readers. Analysts are clueless to explain why.

2026-06-14 BIRDS

Parliament of owls holds emergency session regarding mouse shortage. Mice decline to comment.

2026-06-13 FACT

The likelihood of needing to pee increases exponentially when toilet access decreases.

2026-06-12 OPINION

Every software update should be required to explain what "bug fixes and improvements" actually means.

2026-06-11 WEATHER

Dramatically overcast, ideal for staring wistfully out of windows.

2026-06-10 WEATHER

Threatening but ultimately harmless, like a strongly worded email.

2026-06-09 SPECULATION

Password requirements will eventually require a valid sacrifice to elder gods.

2026-06-08 WEATHER

Achieving bare minimum standards for not causing complaints.

2026-06-07 TODAY'S FEAR

Group chat going silent immediately after you send a message.

2026-06-06 SPECULATION

Future generations will view our emoji use as primitive hieroglyphics.

2026-06-05 FACT

The number of times you check your phone is directly proportional to how little you expect to happen.

2026-06-04 BREAKING

Readers give almost £300 to editor of parodical news website to help pay for gender-affirming care. https://gofund.me/b1d41ae6a

2026-06-04 WEATHER

Tepid enthusiasm manifested as atmospheric conditions.

2026-06-03 SPECULATION

By 2029, "loading..." will be classified as a meditative practice.

2026-06-02 OPINION

Every social media platform should have "I'm just scrolling, don't judge" mode.