The Headlines.

2026-05-01 TODAY'S FEAR

Text message saying "we need to talk" with no context or timeframe.

2026-04-30 JUST ASKING QUESTIONS

Why is it called a TV set when you only get one?

2026-04-29 WEATHER

Aggressively fine. Neither good nor bad. Perfectly adequate.

2026-04-28 BREAKING

Local cat masters video conferencing & still refuses to move off keyboard.

2026-04-27 SPECULATION

Future therapists will specialise exclusively in Internet drama.

2026-04-26 TODAY'S FEAR

Someone saying "can I ask you a quick question?" at 4:58pm on Friday.

2026-04-25 BIRDS

Do ravens have wi‑fi? Scientists investigate this "caws for concern".

2026-04-24 WEATHER

A 2% chance of rain leads to a terrifying forecast of storm in your brain.

2026-04-23 WEATHER

Overcast with a strong chance of you pretending you checked the forecast.

2026-04-22 BIRDS

Duck spotted reading news & immediately regrets decision.

2026-04-21 LOCAL

Someone pronounces "scone" differently. Civil war narrowly averted by agreement on jam.

2026-04-20 JUST ASKING QUESTIONS

If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test?

2026-04-19 SPECULATION

By 2033, the phrase "hang up the phone" will require an explanatory footnote.

2026-04-18 WAR ON SPAM

Local resident changes name to "Unsubscribe". Inbox immediately improves.

2026-04-17 FACT

The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. Still the only biology fact anyone remembers.

2026-04-16 FACT

The optimum number of times to watch the same TV series is "until you can quote entire episodes".

2026-04-15 JUST ASKING QUESTIONS

If you dig a hole through Earth & jump in, would you fall up or down? Physicists too tired to answer.

2026-04-14 BREAKING

Local man achieves perfect toast consistency. Unable to replicate process.

2026-04-13 WEATHER

Uninspiring but technically within acceptable parameters.

2026-04-12 WAR ON TERROR

When did your closest friends stop being a terrorist? Are they terrorising you right now, behind your back?